supporting individuals, families and employees while

English translation: change "supporting" to "support" and cut "while"

GLOSSARY ENTRY (DERIVED FROM QUESTION BELOW)
English term or phrase:supporting individuals, families and employees while
Selected answer:change "supporting" to "support" and cut "while"
Entered by: Charles Davis

13:01 Dec 10, 2017
English language (monolingual) [Non-PRO]
Bus/Financial - General / Conversation / Greetings / Letters
English term or phrase: supporting individuals, families and employees while
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breadfly
Local time: 00:24
change "supporting" to "support" and cut "while"
Explanation:
The sentence is:

"Our all-embracing services supporting individuals, families and employees while doing business and trading, studying or travelling or moving to different countries all over the world."

Grammatically I think there are two issues. First, there is no main verb. This can be fixed by changing "supporting" to "support". Second, "while" is wrong and should be deleted. If you say "Our services support individuals etc. while doing business", it means that the services are doing business, but you mean that they support individuals etc. while the individuals etc. are doing business.

Apart from this, "all-embracing" is not wrong, but "comprensive" or "all-inclusive" might be more natural. The other point that I would mention is that the list "doing business and trading, studying or travelling or moving" is a bit messy. I presume you want "doing busines and trading" to go together as one unit, but in "studying or travelling or moving" there seems to be one "or" too many. I suppose you are distinguishing between "travelling" (temporarily) and "moving" (permanently), but I would still cut the first "or".

So you might change it to this:

"Our comprehensive services support individuals, families and employees doing business and trading, studying, travelling or moving to different countries all over the world."

I think that's better, though I bet colleagues will want to make further changes!
Selected response from:

Charles Davis
Spain
Local time: 00:24
Grading comment
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer



SUMMARY OF ALL EXPLANATIONS PROVIDED
4 +3change "supporting" to "support" and cut "while"
Charles Davis


Discussion entries: 5





  

Answers


26 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5 peer agreement (net): +3
supporting ....while
change "supporting" to "support" and cut "while"


Explanation:
The sentence is:

"Our all-embracing services supporting individuals, families and employees while doing business and trading, studying or travelling or moving to different countries all over the world."

Grammatically I think there are two issues. First, there is no main verb. This can be fixed by changing "supporting" to "support". Second, "while" is wrong and should be deleted. If you say "Our services support individuals etc. while doing business", it means that the services are doing business, but you mean that they support individuals etc. while the individuals etc. are doing business.

Apart from this, "all-embracing" is not wrong, but "comprensive" or "all-inclusive" might be more natural. The other point that I would mention is that the list "doing business and trading, studying or travelling or moving" is a bit messy. I presume you want "doing busines and trading" to go together as one unit, but in "studying or travelling or moving" there seems to be one "or" too many. I suppose you are distinguishing between "travelling" (temporarily) and "moving" (permanently), but I would still cut the first "or".

So you might change it to this:

"Our comprehensive services support individuals, families and employees doing business and trading, studying, travelling or moving to different countries all over the world."

I think that's better, though I bet colleagues will want to make further changes!

Charles Davis
Spain
Local time: 00:24
Works in field
Native speaker of: English
PRO pts in category: 572

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  writeaway: Obviously. But this is just proofreading, not a terminology question.
31 mins
  -> I suppose not. Thanks, anyway :)

agree  Robert Forstag: There are other problems in the sentence, but the corrections you suggest would certainly be a good start.
2 hrs
  -> Thanks, Robert. I think it's grammatically acceptable apart from these points, but the style could be improved.

agree  airmailrpl
2 hrs
  -> Thanks!
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